Thursday, July 01, 1999
Friday, July 02, 1999
Saturday, July 03, 1999
Sunday, July 04, 1999
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
Monday, July 05, 1999
Tuesday, July 06, 1999
Wednesday, July 07, 1999
Thursday, July 08, 1999
Friday, July 09, 1999
Reflections of the Heart
Under gentle arms I learned to reach for the stars
Held captive in the possibilities of my dreams
You told me I could be whatever I chose
And I danced at the thought of the future
Time would test your understanding
As I pulled away from your open arms
But you stood strong in hopes that the lessons taught would bring me home
Love - is what you taught me
To stand strong in the midst of trying circumstances
To cradle it in the moments of weakness
For every tear I have cried in the shadows of my life
You have been there to assure me that the dreariness is not forever
That love will find a way to shine through
As I gaze back through the years of my life
I understand that my mom is my hero
The one who loves me despite all my faults and imperfections
The one who reaches out to me when I feel the whole world is against me
It is you who has taught me to believe in the power and wisdom of hope
To believe in my dreams and to look forward to the future
On those dreary days when I feel condemned to the hostility of the world
When the temptations of the heart are aching to be released
When the anger is too strong that it seems to be contagious
It is you who has taught me to step back and to look at myself
To evaluate and close my eyes to the anger
Patience - is what you have taught me
I have built my life upon the foundation you have given me
I have learned to excel and achieve when the odds are against me
And it is because of you that I can wrap myself in comfort each night
Thank you for giving the world to me
For letting me be part of your happiness and your life
Thank you for loving me when I did not have the strength to love myself
-Poem by Cassandra Anne Borton
Saturday, July 10, 1999
Sunday, July 11, 1999
Monday, July 12, 1999
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Hang up and drive.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car.
Guns don't kill people; postal workers do.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
Make it idiot-proof, and someone will make a better idiot.
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!".... till you can find a rock.
Jesus is coming; everybody look busy.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots..... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles
Tuesday, July 13, 1999
Wednesday, July 14, 1999
Thursday, July 15, 1999
Friday, July 16, 1999
Saturday, July 17, 1999
Sunday, July 18, 1999
Monday, July 19, 1999
Tuesday, July 20, 1999
A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's petty crap," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post."
Wednesday, July 21, 1999
A Parent's Love
I remember holding you when you were just a child.
I kissed your tears away, chased the monsters away that hid underneath your bed.
And I never told your friends that you slept with your teddy bear.
But now... your precious life is full of friends and fun
and you no longer have the time for silly bedtime stories
or guessing what each funny shaped cloud is as it drifts overhead.
No more time for building castles in the sand or little animals out of play-dough.
You no longer kiss me goodnight.
But that's ok, my precious child, because it's all a part of your growing up.
And I'm proud of who you're becoming.
I've been there through all the changes standing in your shadow.
Someday you'll be like me...
and you'll understand this love and
you'll look at me with knowing eyes as you wipe chocolate cake off your baby's face.
-Poem by Julana Lyn McGinty
Thursday, July 22, 1999
Friday, July 23, 1999
Saturday, July 24, 1999
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he
sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Sunday, July 25, 1999
Think Freely
Practice patience
Smile often
Savor special moments
Monday, July 26, 1999
Tuesday, July 27, 1999
Wednesday, July 28, 1999
Thursday, July 29, 1999
Friday, July 30, 1999
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!!
It only takes 30 seconds.
Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you have worked it
out!!!
1.First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to go out.
2.Multiply this number by 2.
3.Add 5.
4.Multiply it by 50.
5.If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you haven't,
add 1747.
6.Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
See below
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
RESULTS:
You should now have a three digit number:
The first digit of this was your original number(I.e. how many times you want
to go out each week).
The second two digits are your age!!! It really works.
Saturday, July 31, 1999