They hover close beside youMonday, March 01, 1999
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Tuesday, March 02, 1999
The Perfect Gift
We live and learn in this old world
And as we older grow,
Still more and more we realize,
It's so little that we know.
There's one thing that we wish we knew,
It's where and when to speak
And how to say the things we feel
To help the poor and weak.
So many times we want to talk,
But don't know what to say,
To give someone the strength he needs
To help him on this way.
If God would grant one perfect gift,
To one so small and weak,
The thing I'd ask is jus to know
When and where and how to speak.
by Laina Owen
Wednesday, March 03, 1999
Walsh is standing on the sidewalk when he sees a funeral procession coming down the street. There's a hearse, then a huge German shepherd, then about a hundred men in single file walking behind. Walsh asks the guy in front, Who died?" The guy says, "My ex-wife." Walsh says, "How?" The guy points and says, "That dog... my dog.. ate her." Walsh says, "Hey, I'd sure like to borrow your dog someday." They guy says, "Get in line."
Thursday, March 04, 1999
"Letting Go"
I watched you grow, no that’s not right,
I nurtured, loved, and held on tight,
to keep you healthy, body and soul,
safe from harm's way, that was my goal.
Now I see what I must do,
my precious child, yes its true
I must release you--not to flee but to hang on ever gently,
from infant, child, to young Man,
you no longer cling to me.
This saddens me, I can't deny,
but knowing this, I can rely,
on you spirit, strong, fair and true,
to guide you and to get you through
most of what life throws your way,
always knowing I Love You.
Friday, March 05, 1999
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q: What's the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.
Q: Why did cavemen pull their women around by the hair?
A: Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill upwith mud.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
A: You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.
Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It's Braille for "suck here."
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Saturday, March 06, 1999
BEGIN AGAIN
One of the best things we can do in our lives is this:
Begin again.
Begin to see yourself as you were
When you were the happiest and strongest you've ever been.
Begin to remember what worked for you
(and what worked against you),
And try to capture the magic again.
Begin to remember how natural it was when you were a child --
To live a lifetime each day.
Begin to forget the baggage you have carried with you
For years:
The problems that don't matter anymore,
The tears that cried themselves away,
And the worries that are going to wash away
On the shore of tomorrow's new beginnings.
Tomorrow tells us it will be here every new day of our lives;
And if we will be wise,
We will turn away from the problems of the past
And give the future -- and ourselves -- a chance
To become the best of friends.
Sometimes all it takes is a wish in the heart to let yourself ..
Begin again."
--- Collin McCarty
Sunday, March 07, 1999
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a
few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more coins into the
machine, and another can of coke pops out. She keeps putting in coins,
and cans of coke keep coming out.
A guy walks up behind her and says,
"Can I please use the machine?"
She says, "Go Away!
Can't you see I'm
winning?"
Monday, March 08, 1999
Life’s Lessons
I learn, as the years roll onward
And leave the past behind,
That much I had counted sorrow
But proves that God is kind;
That many a flower I had longed for
Had hidden a thorn of pain,
And many a rugged bypath
Led to fields of ripened grain.
The clouds that cover sunshine
They cannot banish the sun;
And the earth shines out the brighter
When the weary rain is done.
We must stand in the deepest shadow
To see the clearest light;
And often through wrong’s own darkness
Comes the very strength of light.
Authou Unknown
Tuesday, March 09, 1999
" Life is like climbing a mountain during a blizzard.
You climb and climb, and the wind blows harder and harder.
Just when you think you've reached the top, you see another ledge.
When you reach the top, the glory is yours, then you realize,
You were climbing the wrong mountain."
--- Kevin R. Hutson
Wednesday, March 10, 1999
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body
with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my
arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!"
The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"
"Yes, I was." she replies. Why do you ask?"
The doctor replies "your finger is broken!"
-----
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4
hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned
around and went home.
-----
A brunette is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail,
saying "21 - 21 - 21 . . .".
A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts
jumping from rail to rail, saying "21 - 21 - 21 . . .".
Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle, and jumps off the tracks
just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place.
The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22 - 22
Thursday, March 11, 1999
" I've learned that we cannot forget or throw away our past,
But we must not allow our past to control us either.
We must learn and grow from our past failures,
Disappointments, pains and experiences.
Reset our goals and priorities... and move forward.
Start TODAY, by Un-Ty-ing the knots that LIMIT you!"
By Ty Howard
Friday, March 12, 1999
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q: Why is a hurricane like a women?
A: It starts with a great blow, but when it's over your house and car are gone.
Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?
A. He knows firsthand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person who makes all their decisions.
Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A. The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.
Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q. Why did God create man?
A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q. Why do men love computers?
A. No matter what mood they're in, they can still get a floppy in.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A woman would never accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy!!
...and a computer can't turn a 3.5" floppy into a hard drive in a matter of seconds.
Saturday, March 13, 1999
BEGIN AGAIN
One of the best things we can do in our lives is this:
Begin again.
Begin to see yourself as you were
When you were the happiest and strongest you've ever been.
Begin to remember what worked for you
(and what worked against you),
And try to capture the magic again.
Begin to remember how natural it was when you were a child --
To live a lifetime each day.
Begin to forget the baggage you have carried with you
For years:
The problems that don't matter anymore,
The tears that cried themselves away,
And the worries that are going to wash away
On the shore of tomorrow's new beginnings.
Tomorrow tells us it will be here every new day of our lives;
And if we will be wise,
We will turn away from the problems of the past
And give the future -- and ourselves -- a chance
To become the best of friends.
Sometimes all it takes is a wish in the heart to let yourself ..
Begin again."
--- Collin McCarty
Sunday, March 14, 1999
They hover close beside you
Till all your cares are gone
Till they can see you're ready
Once again to carry on.
Then some of them may fly away
And take their gentle touch
To other hearts that need
The love of Angels very much.
But one, at least, stays with you
As your constant friend and guide,
For GUARDIAN ANGELS never leave
They're always at your side
..
Monday, March 15, 1999
~Thank you for yesterday,
today and always...
For bringing me happiness
right from the start
and offering me
both your love and your heart,
For being so thoughtful
in all that you do,
overlooking my faults,
Understanding me too~
Tuesday, March 16, 1999
|
Seize today, the moment, this second. Success is often the illusion we see when we dream of what we think will make us happy. It is not the ideal, just an hallucination of the actual ideal. But when we seize today and the significance we find that nothing else matters, because what else is there but those things that are significant to us?? I don't think all people will reach for excellence let alone ever achieve it. Many will live lives of "quiet ..." but in the end will have found some significance. Family, friends even strangers will be a part of that. To think that we will all be reaching for greatness I think is a disservice to the masses of fellow humans who don't "make it". However there is a promise that all of us have, just because we are born; that is we have lived and we were here to experience the many things that gave us significance. Living with passion is a nice idea, sure we should, I guess, try to. But for those who just live don't feel bad...that's what I do and I am happy as well. You may not lose all the weight you want, find the man or woman of your dreams, or make a million dollars. But you will be able to say " I was here and I did my best". When it all comes down to it significance is the only thing that matters any way... no matter what anyone else says. --- Derek --- Scientific Artist |
Wednesday, March 17, 1999
The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."
The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple.
"Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!"
"Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"
Thursday, March 18, 1999
I feel so fortunate to have you for a son
I love your bright face
when we talk seriously about the world
I love your smile
when you laugh at the inconsistencies in the world
I love your eyes
when you are showing emotion
I love your mind
when you are discovering new ideas
and creating dreams to follow
Many people tell me that
they cannot talk to their children
that they cannot wait for them to leave home
I want you to know
that I enjoy you so much and
I look forward to any time we can spend together
Not only are you my adored son
but you are also my friend
I am so proud of you
my son and
I love you
Friday, March 19, 1999
Two little brothers decide it`s time to learn to swear.
The oldest says,"OK, you say ass and I`ll say hell."
Excited about their plan, they go downstairs where their mother asks
them what they want for breakfast.
"Aw, hell." says the oldest,"gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him out of the room
bawling and turns to the younger brother saying, "What`ll you have?"
"I dunno," says the boy,"but you can bet your ass it ain`t gonna be
Cheerios!"
Saturday, March 20, 1999
Strength from Adversity
A man found a cocoon of a butterfly. One day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther.
Then the man decided to help the butterfly, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shiveled wings.
The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.
Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly.
What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.
Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly.
--- Author Unknown ---
Sunday, March 21, 1999
CHILDREN
From the first cries of a child and their first gasps of life they bring forth to us uncountable gifts. Children bring forth the beautiful things that add purpose to our being and give meaning to our existence.
As a child is born into this world, so is born dreams. Dreams that are yet to come. Dreams that are not tainted by the calamities of this world. Dreams that create doctors, ballerinas and presidents.
Dreams that hold no limitations.
As a child is born, so is born determination. Determination that proves that nothing is impossible if done in the right spirit. Determination that makes dreams reality.
As a child is born, so is born courage. Courage that conquers the first step of the million mile journey. Courage that allows faith to live within.
As a child is born, so is born laughter. Laughter that heals what modern medicine can not or will not ever be able to. Laughter that hurts so good it makes you cry.
As a child is born, so is born love. Love that knows no conditions and sets no limits. Love that can clutch the soul of Mr. Scrooge himself.
As a child is born, so is born a spirit. A spirit that endures
that which befalls them. A spirit that can teach far more than it can ever be taught. A spirit that can only be seen in a child's eyes and not on their face.
As I wake each morning and enter into my day, I am reminded by children of all there is in this life to cherish.
Thank you God for the wonderful blessings.
For as a child is born, so is born life.
-Poem by Allie L. Hilbigmedicin
Monday, March 22, 1999
Picture it, Moscow 1998..
.
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"My neighbour Yankel Rabinovitz is an enemy of the State. He is hiding
undeclared diamonds in his woodshed."
"This will be noted."
The next day, the KGB goons go over to Rabinovitz's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept, chop up every piece of wood, find
no diamonds, swear at Rabinovitz, and leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call.
I need my vegetable patch ploughed."
Submitted by C. Lea
Tuesday, March 23, 1999
The local bar was sure that it's bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon
to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out
would win the money.
Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, longshoremen,
etc., - but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and
a polyester suit (could he have been retired military??), and said in a tiny,
squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down,
the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then
he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's
laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the
lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter,
or what." The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
Wednesday, March 24, 1999
Doubt vs. Faith
" Doubt sees the obstacles
Faith sees the way.
Doubt sees the darkest night.
Faith sees the day.
Doubt dreads to take a step.
Faith soars on high.
Doubt questions,'Who believes'?
Faith answers,'I'."
--- Author Unknown ---
Thursday, March 25, 1999
Can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance?
Do people order double cheese
burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke?
Do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters?
Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes
in the garage?
Do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from
someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place?
Friday, March 26, 1999
Irreplaceable Moments
A solid oak to lean on;
A gentle breeze, whispering in my ear;
Brilliant sunlight, which warms me;
Peacefulness, tranquility, lack of fear;
The beauty of the season, pleasing my eye;
Autumn's clean scent, relaxing my mind;
Sounds of leaves as they slowly glide to the ground;
A more calming scene is hard to find.
Gentleness surrounds me.
Serenity dances by my side.
Overwhelmed by comfort,
More perfect tears I have never cried.
I think about our times together,
And a smile fills my face.
Just like the gorgeous scene before me,
Neither one can be replaced.
Saturday, March 27, 1999
Old Folks Are Worth A Fortune
Old folks are worth a fortune: With silver in
their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their
kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their
stomachs. I have become more social with
the passing of the years; some might even call
me a frivolous old gal. I'm seeing five gentlemen
every day.
As soon as I wake, Will Power helps me get
out of bed. Then I go see John. Then Charley
Horse comes along, and when he is here he
takes a lot of my time and attention. When he
leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest
of the day. (He doesn't like to stay in one place
very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.)
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to
go to bed - with Ben Gay. What a life!
P.S. The preacher came to call the other
day. He said that at my age I should be thinking
about the hereafter. I told him I do - all the time.
No matter where I am - in the parlor, upstairs in
the kitchen or down in the basement - I ask
myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
anonymous
Sunday, March 28, 1999
My little hands play patty-cake, they peek a boo and wave.
They catch me while I learn to walk and splash me as I bathe.
My little hands reach up to you for hugs before I sleep,
And fold together when I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
My little hands are tiny now but yours will serve to guide me...
And when I'm grown I'll still reach out and know you're right beside me.
Monday, March 29, 1999
What's That Shiny Thing?
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object. She asks the
clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps keeps
cold things cold."
The blonde says, "I'll take it!"
The next day, she walks into work with her new thermos. Her blonde
boss sees her and asks, "What is that shiny object you have?"
She said, "It's a thermos."
The boss then says, "What does it do?"
She replies, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
The boss said, "Wow, what do you have in it?"
The blonde replies, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."
Tuesday, March 30, 1999
Heirloom - Amy Grant
Up in the attic, down on my knees
Lifetime of boxes, timeless to me
Letters and photographs, yellowed with years.
Some bringing laughter, some bringing tears.
Time never changes, the memories, the faces,
of loved ones who bring to me,
All that I come from, and all that I live for,
And all that I'm going to be.
My precious family, is more than an heirloom to me.
Wednesday, March 31, 1999
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles
with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them,
taps one of them on the shoulder and says,
"Excuse me, ladies, I'd like
to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to
fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all
have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris
off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were
horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.
"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game
Warden, "take all the debris you want."
And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started
laughing hysterically."What a dumb Fish Cop,"
the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he
know that there are steelhead in this river?!"