Saturday, May 01, 1999
Sunday, May 02, 1999
Monday, May 03, 1999
Tuesday, May 04, 1999
Wednesday, May 05, 1999
Thursday, May 06, 1999
Ok, there's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink He stays like
that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-maker truck driver steps
next to him, and drinks what he was staring at.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy
you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown man cry."
"No, it's not that," the man responded. "This day is the worst of my
life. First, I got to work late and my boss, outraged, fired me. When
I left the building, I found that my car had been stolen, and the police
can't do anything. I catch a cab home, but left my wallet and credit
cards in it--the cab driver denies anything being left in his cab. When
I got home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. Then I came down
here to the bar, and just as I'm thinking about ending my life, you show
up and drink my poison cocktail."
Friday, May 07, 1999
Saturday, May 08, 1999
Sunday, May 09, 1999
Monday, May 10, 1999
Tuesday, May 11, 1999
Wednesday, May 12, 1999
Thursday, May 13, 1999
Well here it is Logans' first birthday...
Friday, May 14, 1999
Saturday, May 15, 1999
Sunday, May 16, 1999
Monday, May 17, 1999
Tuesday, May 18, 1999
Wednesday, May 19, 1999
Jesus Is Watching You
This burglar is breaking into some house at night, Sneaking around he
suddenly hears: "Jesus is watching you!" The burglar is shocked, ducks
down, remains silent for a while, but nothing happens.
After a minute or so he decides to continue his search for the jewelery,
so he gets up again. Again he hears, but a little louder and more like a
warning: "Jesus is still watching you!"
"Good heavens!" he thinks, "What's going on here?" He still doesn't dare
to use his torch though.
Silently he strafes backward and again -and really loud this time-:
"Jesus is *really* watching you!"
Okay, this guy is almost getting a heart attack and switches on his
Maglite.
After a little looking around he detects this parrot.
Burglar: "A parrot?"
Parrot: "Yes, that's me!"
Burglar: "You can talk pretty well!"
Parrot: "Yes, I'm already 50 years of age."
Burglar: "Phew that's not bad! You live here?"
Parrot: "Yup!"
Burglar: "Gosh, I really thought something weird was going on here!
What's your name?
" Parrot: "Henry."
Burglar: "Henry? That's a weird name for a parrot."
Parrot: "Not as weird as 'Jesus' for a rottweiler!"
Thursday, May 20, 1999
Friday, May 21, 1999
Saturday, May 22, 1999
Sunday, May 23, 1999
Monday, May 24, 1999
Tuesday, May 25, 1999
Wednesday, May 26, 1999
Thursday, May 27, 1999
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good
news and some bad news", God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called
a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and
have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to
reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will
be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to
me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is
that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of
these organs at a time."
Friday, May 28, 1999
Saturday, May 29, 1999
Boys
Every household should have a boy.
If they could be packaged, they would be the ultimate toy.
They've got more imagination than a video game,
and their energy puts household current to shame.
Doing boy's laundry is always a treat.
Their pockets hold treasures they found in the street.
Bath time for boys is an incredible chore.
When they've sunk all their ships, they've flooded the floor.
They will shoot hoops and play lots of baseball.
They'll scare you with wheelies, afraid they will fall.
Band-aids and casts are a boy's normal thing.
For those cuts and rug burns and that fall from the swing.
Boys love mud, big puddles, and frogs.
Kittens and worms and especially large dogs.
When whiskers appear on that sweet boy's face,
he's crossing the finishing line and you're losing the race.
Like sand in an hour glass slipping away,
he's growing up and will leave you some day.
Now, he's handsome and generous and no longer so loud.
Your little boy is a man and he's made you so proud.
Perhaps he'll get married and have little boys,
and you can go visit with a box full of toys.
You've done it before and you'll do it again.
Now the waiting's the hardest for that new life to begin.
-Poem by Susan Joan Gordon
Sunday, May 30, 1999
Monday, May 31, 1999